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(Image credit: Warner Home Video)
(Image credit: Warner Home Video)
As well as some excellent original content – The Boys being the ‘prime’ example,Amazon PrimeVideo is a great source of classic movies. Now it’s taking the obvious next step and producing aremakeof a classic movie: Road House.
According to several sources, this is actually happening, although I will believe it when I see it. ‘Confirmed’ cast include UFC champion Conor McGregor, who certainly knows a thing or two about acting woodenly and punching people, with Jake Gyllenhaal as the lead and such luminaries as [copies and pastes details] ‘Billy Magnussen, Daniela Melchior, Gbemisola Ikumelo, Lukas Gage, Hannah Love Lanier, Travis Van Winkle, B.K. Cannon, Arturo Castro, Dominique Columbus, Beau Knapp and Bob Menery.’ I have to admit I have no idea who any of those people are. I thought Travis Van Winkle might be related to Vanilla Ice – whose real name is Robert Van Winkle – but seemingly not.
So, long story short, I have some questions about the Amazon Prime Road House remake, and there are more of them than just ‘why would anyone in their right mind remake Road House?’, ‘will this actually happen?’ and ‘how much will it suck?’ But firstly, let’s discuss the beloved original.
Road House: it came from the 1980s(Image credit: Amazon)
Road House: it came from the 1980s
Road House: it came from the 1980s
(Image credit: Amazon)
Road House (1989) starred Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott, and is one of the silliest, most lovable and yet incredibly violent and sexy action movies ever made. It has such a unique vibe – the director was called ‘Rowdy Herrington’ which possibly tells you all that you need to know. So a remake seems like a tall order. However the director and star team of Doug Liman (Bourne Identity) and Jake Gyllenhaal (Spider-Man: Far From Home) is definitely an interesting one. Perhaps more significantly, original producer Joel Silver returns, but he is now 70 and may not be quite so hands-on as he once was.
Road House clearly baffled and rattled stuck-up 1980s critics, as it has a lacklustre 33% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. But what did those condescending Poindexters know? Audiences give it 66% which is better but it still suggests a lot of those people don’t quite ‘get’ Road House. So to make the scoring mathematically perfect, I give it 99%. For me, the original Road House is the best terrible movie ever made, and the perfect late-night, weekend, slightly boozed-up entertainment.
Speaking of which, here are thebest R-rated movies on Disney Plus.
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When it comes to the remake, I have some questions. You can scroll down to see why I think the original is so good, and why Liman and Gyllenhaal have their work cut out if they want to make a film that won’t alienate all the fans of the original, while also not completely bemusing newcomers to the legend that is Road House. Pain don’t hurt… but this might.
Can Jake Gyllenhaal kick ass?Actually, I know the answer to this. He’ll be best known to most movie goers as Mysterio in Spider-Man: Far From Home, in which he kicked a certain amount of ass, but back in 2015 he was very convincing as a sensitive boxer in Southpaw. Back in 2012 he had off-the-scale bromantic bro chemistry with Michael Peña in the cop movie End of Watch. So while most Gyllenhaal movies have not involved him being very manly, but in a sensitive way, and kicking lots of ass, he has proved hecando it.
Can he replicate the other-worldly charm or Bruce Lee-like physique of The Swayze? That’s slightly more questionable, but Gyllenhaal’s a good actor and I am sure he’ll be putting the gym work in as we speak.
Who can replace Sam Elliott as Wade Garrett?The cowboy boots of Sam Elliott may be even harder to fill. His high-wattage charisma, relaxed manner and way with a one-liner made him the perfect older foil to Swayze in the original Road House. He also kicked a lot of ass. My top tip here is Bob Odenkirk. Although better known as Saul Goodman in Better Call Saul, he was widely acclaimed for his work in last year’s extremely violent hit, Nobody. This saw him playing, basically, an ass-kickin' dad, which is what the Wade Garrett role is, in a nutshell. He did also quite recently have a heart attack, but hopefully he’s over that now.
I am not sure anyone could fill Gazzara’s shoes. 20 years ago, Michael Caine would have been the obvious choice – he was in Steven Seagal’s On Dangerous Ground and Death Wish Pensioner movie Harry Brown, after all. However, his career got significantly less hacky in later life and now he’s too old. Charles Dance isn’t much younger but he might be a good option. I could imagine him delivering the immortal line, “You’re a bleeder. You bleed too much. You are a messy bleeder,” after cold-cocking an out-of-favour henchman in the face.
And what about Wesley’s vicious chief henchman, Jimmy?I’m kidding – obviously this will be Conor McGregor. He’s got the build, the brutality, the aversion to shirts, and probably the curious ‘acting’ style required.
Doug Liman did the first Bourne film and also Edge of Tomorrow, in which Tom Cruise gets killed repeatedly and very satisfyingly. So there’s no doubt he knows his way around filming action. However, it is hard to picture him turning in a film as uninhibited, ass-kicking and self-knowingly funny as the original Road House.
Has Liman ever filmed a car driving up a ramp and flying through the air whilst being peppered with shotgun fire, causing it to catch fire and explode? I very much doubt it. He’ll need to raise his game if Road House the Remake is to be as big a triumph as Rowdy Herrington’s original. And here’s why.
Why is Road House (the original) so good?
Tension-packed scenes like this may not translate to a 20s audience(Image credit: Warner Home Video)
Tension-packed scenes like this may not translate to a 20s audience
Tension-packed scenes like this may not translate to a 20s audience
(Image credit: Warner Home Video)
Yes, what is that makes the original Road House so good?Firstly it is a dumb, kick-ass action movie. Secondly, it clearlyknowsit is a dumb, kick-ass action movie. If you actually think about its plot for even a minute, it falls apart. But the action and humour are so non-stop, it would seem churlish to point out certain plot holes and implausible moments.
This is the kind of film everyone says ‘they don’t make them like that anymore’, and that may be because someone in Hollywood sent around a memo after Road House saying, ‘for god’s sake, don’t make them like that anymore.’ The film entirely hinges on the charisma of Patrick Swayze and, to an extent Sam Elliott, who plays Wade Garrett who is – guess what? – another, older but equally legendary bouncer. Dalton calls him in as backup and the brotastic duderama that results is really quite something.
The tone of the film is firmly tongue in cheek. When Dalton and Garrett make their respective entrances, someone in the background literally says, ‘Who IS that guy?’ The dialogue is littered with gems such as ‘Pain don’t hurt’ and ‘I see you found my trophy room, Dalton. The only thing that’s missing… is your ass!’ The super-evil Wesley has a trophy room, of course. We also learn that Dalton, as well as having a PhD in ass-kicking, studied philosophy at NYU. He characterises this as ‘Man’s search for faith… that sort of shit.’
Who ARE those guys?(Image credit: Warner Home Video)
Who ARE those guys?
Who ARE those guys?
(Image credit: Warner Home Video)
I won’t revealthefunniest line in Road House, delivered during the very exciting fight between Dalton and Jimmy, Wesley’s very most evilest and very lithe henchman. It is too hilariously obscene to repeat here, and also I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise for you when you see it.
Anyway, as you can probably tell, I love this film and have seen it way too many times. Remaking Road House with the slightly non-descript Jake Gyllenhaal filling Swayze’s karate slippers seems a bit mad. But then again, so was everything about the original. What’s the worst that could happen?
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